Introduction
How frustrating is it to see yourself digging your own grave when things are finally going right in your life? It’s annoying to see yourself of all people trying to sabotage your own life but despite knowing that, it happens quite often. When things start going well, ideally it should feel rewarding. But instead, sometimes we get tangled in our own hidden fears of whether we deserve this. Want to know more about why this happens and what can you do about it? Keep reading!
Beyond Fear of Failure - The Unexpected Fears Behind Self-Sabotage
There are many reasons why one might self sabotage when things finally get to a decent place. Some of these reasons might be-
- Fear of responsibility- Once things get going for us and we feel a pinch of success, either in work or relationships, we can feel the burden of responsibility on us to maintain this level. When this burden feels too threatening, we might think that it’s just easier to mess it up ourselves so that we’re saved from the responsibility which is causing the burden
- Fear of visibility- Success can make us feel seen. It’s a good position but at the same time it’s a vulnerable spot to be in. This can trigger social anxiety or bring about the fear of scrutiny which makes us want to be away from the spotlight. Our brain thinks it’s easier to be on the sidelines rather than being in a good place in life where everyone can see us. This can lead to us subconsciously engaging in behaviours that put us out of the spotlight
- Fear of losing identity- Growth challenges the version of ourselves we’ve always known. The older version might feel incompetent but safe. It feels safe because we might have gotten too familiar with it. When things start going differently in a good way, we realise the oddness of the situation and we feel uncomfortable with the newness of how it feels.
The Psychology of Upper Limits
The concept of upper limits introduced by hendricks says that we have unconscious ceilings of the love, success and joy we receive. These limits might not be accessible to our awareness but it might show up as slacking after we’ve achieved a certain amount of success or picking up fights after something good starts to happen. The fact that we do something to sabotage our own life might be less about our weaknesses but more about the fear of facing something which is “too good”. The unfamiliarity of the new feeling scares us because it pushes us out of our safe zone.
How to Break the Cycle
Even though self sabotaging might feel draining and guilt-inducing, there are ways to change the way your brain reacts to success. Some of these ways are-
- Normalize the discomfort of success-Reframe success as expansion, not danger.Even if it’s something new, see what parts of it brings you discomfort instead of acting on it. If the situation feels new, think about why this newness bothers you. What are you afraid of?
- Track micro-triggers-journal during moments when good news makes you restless or self-critical.Rather than immediately acting on your fear, documenting your triggers might bring more clarity to your thoughts and help you be less impulsive
- Redefine identity gradually- instead of overnight leaps, allow small consistent wins that your self-concept can absorb.
- Anchor safety in the body- practice grounding, breathwork, and somatic practices to train the nervous system to hold more “good.”
Conclusion
Self sabotage isn’t a flaw or weakness. It’s a misfired survival mechanism. It helps us return to normalcy- to a state we think we deserve. Rather than acting on ways to return back to what we think we deserve, start reflecting on why you do this and what purpose is it serving for you.Thriving is not about never sabotaging again, but learning to gently expand into more life, more joy, and more success-without shrinking back.
