Opening up about mental health can be awkward, uncomfortable, or scary, even more so when it’s your parents on the other side of the table. But talking about your emotions with a trusted adult can provide a reliable source of support, clarity and good advice. Research shows that teens do not always get the emotional and social support they need from their parents, and that parents are mostly unaware that their children even need such support. Luckily for us, open communication from both sides can be a helpful fix.
Why Aren’t Children Talking?
There may be several reasons why a child or teenager may not want to share the details of their emotional meltdowns with their parents. What makes it so hard to talk? Growing up with parents or caregivers entails quickly understanding what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t. Children may worry how their parents might react to knowing their child has self-esteem issues, or is struggling with body image, or just doesn’t feel like life is worth living. What if it makes them sad? What if they ask too many questions and become more overbearing? What if they don’t take you seriously? Or worse – what if they’re disappointed? For a child wanting love and acceptance from their parents, this can be an incredibly difficult and anxiety-provoking space to navigate.
Step 1: Some Preparation
Truth is, you can’t predict how your parents or caregivers will respond. What you can do instead is deal with the uncertainty by writing down what you’re going to say ahead of time. On your phone, journal, or a piece of paper, write down the main points you want to get across. To get creative, you can also prepare a powerpoint presentation (PPT)! If talking to your parents face-to-face seems too nerve-wracking, you may consider writing them a letter instead. For some practice, try journaling your feelings or keep a mood record. Feel what you’re feeling, try to give it a name, and try identifying what may be triggering it. For example, you start with “Going to school is really tough these days, I feel like I’m falling behind everyone.” This will give the adults a concrete instance of what you’re going through and how it’s impacting you.
Step 2: Pick the Right Time
While parents and caregivers like to be available to their kids at all times, life can sometimes get in the way. The problems of adulting, work stress, and responsibilities to family may be occupying much of your parents’ time and mental headspace. Nonetheless, your well-being is important and deserves attention. When deciding on a time to talk to your parents, try picking a moment of calm and quiet, such as after dinner or on a weekend, when everyone is likely to be well-rested and open to conversation. You could even decide on this beforehand by saying, “I think I need to talk to you about something important. Would the weekend be a good time?”
Step 3: Start Small
If you’re too worried about how they’ll react to the entire story, start small. Share one thing and gauge how they react. For example, you might say, “I don’t feel like going to school today.” If their initial response is curiosity, you can try sharing more of your feelings and together discuss what to do next. Most of the time, parents want to immediately help fix their children’s problems. While this comes from a place of love, their urgency may come across as an unwillingness to validate your feelings with the patience they deserve. In this case, reiterate your need for a listening ear.
Step 4: Bear Your Heart – Or As Much As You Can
When something feels too awkward or scary to do, jumping right in can sometimes be the easiest option. If you’re honest and blunt about what you’re feeling, it helps give your parents a clear picture of the situation. It can be incredibly hard on parents to know that their little ones are struggling, but keeping problems hidden may blow up into arguments, misunderstanding, and slammed doors later. It’s in the nature of parents to worry – there’s little you can do to prevent that – so try not to let that stop you. At the same time, it’s totally okay to not want to share every single detail of your issues with your parents; it’s okay to want some privacy or avoid unwanted questions. But if you don’t completely feel emotionally safe to open up in front of your parents, you can ask them to help you reach out to a mental health professional for further support and guidance.
Struggling with telling your parents what’s wrong? Try talking to Healo AI for help!
“But What If…My Parents Are the Problem?”
While talking to parents is the very crux of this article, sometimes parents can be the very reason for your emotional struggles. Sometimes it may so happen that a parent refuses to listen to you, or is unable to grasp the gravity or seriousness of your issues. In such cases, you can reach out to another trusted adult such as a relative, teacher, school counsellor or mentor. These trusted adults may be able to help you explore possible solutions, as well as help you navigate how to have a conversation with your parents.
If you are currently facing physical or sexual abuse from a parent, you can reach out to the following helplines:
1098 (CHILDLINE INDIA) or visit here for more resources.
A PSA To Parents
As a parent, it can be heartbreaking to know your child is suffering. Often we want to provide them with a quick fix, cover them in bubble wrap and keep them safe from harm. But mental health is not about quick fixes, especially when it concerns children and teenagers. The UNICEF lists three important ways in which you can communicate effectively with your child: listening, observation, and honesty. It’s normal for parents to feel like when children come to them with their problems, they want a solution. When in reality, teenagers actually want their parents to just listen rather than offer advice. Dr. Lisa Damour, a Yale-educated psychotherapist, explains this very well: “Curiosity plus empathy is overwhelmingly the most expected response when teenagers come our way with their distress.”
And when they do talk, listen attentively and with empathy, without distractions like music, TV, or multitasking with household chores. Sitting down together, nodding and sharing eye contact can help your child feel seen and accepted. Make sure your child knows they are not alone, and that it’s okay for them to come to you for help. While it’s understandable for parents to want to shield their children from their grown-up problems, sharing your own blues with your little one can help normalise mental health and relying on each other for support. More often than not, children appreciate and value honesty and vulnerability from their parents, and are encouraged in return to be honest and vulnerable with you.
