Introduction
Have you ever said something to someone and felt intense regret about acting that way later? Do you ever keep thinking about how rudely you acted towards a loved one? If you relate with any of these, you might be struggling with something known as guilt. Guilt is not just an emotion in today’s age, it’s a psychological storyteller that narrates your life if you let it. With so much grayness and selfishness in today’s hustle culture era, from time to time, even the kindest of people struggle with it. And that’s okay. In this blog, we are going to decode the types of guilt we experience, the hidden triggers behind them, and help us ask the real question — is this guilt helping or haunting me?
What is guilt?
Guilt is more than a moral alarm these days. It’s a self- conscious emotion that is rooted in doubt and regret. It’s that intense feeling when one senses that they have violated their own moral standards. According to the philosophical perspective, guilt arises from the knowledge of death. Think about it. If today was the last day for you to live, you would wonder, did I spend it in the way I wanted? Was I good to others? Guilt is often a result of a self- aware mind, and that’s a good thing. However, we all know that too much of anything is bad. Shame, embarrassment and regret have been known as the toxic brothers of guilt. However, what we don’t realise is that guilt has been functional to us through an evolutionary lens. It makes us aware of our actions and kinder to others, which keeps our social connections intact.
Types of guilt
Hundreds of researchers and philosophers have tried to lay down the types of guilt across decades. All the different types of guilt eventually come down to 5 main types which will be discussed below-
1. Anticipatory guilt-
We often think of guilt as a retrospective emotion that occurs after the event is over. However, sometimes, we tend to predict the amount of guilt we are going to feel if we do a particular action or talk to someone in a certain way. This is known as anticipatory and as you might be wondering, it is indeed a healthier type of guilt since it can prevent people from violating their moral standards
2. Survivor’s guilt-
This type of guilt often arises when we feel like we’re spared of traumatic events but others around us are affected in negative ways. Even though we have not actively done anything to harm others, we still experience discomfort because of our mere existence. This type of guilt is common in war stricken countries or countries affected by geopolitical tensions
3. Existential guilt
This guilt often gets manifested in statements like “ I’m not doing enough with my life” or “ I’m not living upto my full potential” Existential guilt is often triggered by social media these days since that provides us with a glamorised information about others achievements and milestones. It is the type of guilt which is often prevalent amongst high achievers or activists
4. Cultural guilt
Cultural guilt often looks like someone mentioning “ I’m not living upto my family expectations” or “ I’m betraying my culture”. It arises as a strong sense of discomfort for wanting to be something different from what your culture dictates. Cultural guilt is increasing now more than ever due to rising modernization and westernization. It’s also seen most in collectivist countries like India where cultural roots are considered most important
5. Codependent guilt
This kind of guilt is seen as “ If they are upset, it must be my fault”. Co- dependent guilt is present in a lot of relationships- romantic or not. It usually signifies the lack of boundaries and enmeshment in these relationships. The individual who feels this type of guilt, without any fault of theirs, is most likely to be a people pleaser
Where does it come from?
Now that we’ve discussed different types of guilt, let us look at the origins of guilt-
1. Internalized childhood scripts
Children are often told by their parents to completely avoid doing certain things ( Never be late) or absolutely do some actions ( Always respect your elders). These orders get drilled into our minds when we are young. As an adult, any active or indirect attempt to violate these orders often results in a lot of guilt because somewhere, our subconscious knows that we’re doing the wrong thing. Hence, our internalise childhood narratives and parenting often plays a crucial role in deciding what role does guilt play in our life
2. Role based guilt or identity guilt
We often assign ourselves various roles as we move ahead in life. Acting like a female, a good daughter, a good employee and a kind partner are often roles that we ideally wish to maintain throughout our life. These roles keep changing according to life events and are most often implicit. When we act in ways that go against these self assigned roles, we may experience role based guilt. This guilt isn’t about the actual wrongdoing, it’s about betraying an internalized image that we think we must maintain at all costs.
Is guilt serving you or silencing you?
Guilt, just like anger, is not a black or white emotion. Some types of guilt or guilt in some situations can actually be healthy and prevent us from doing something we will later regret. However, it manifests in different ways for each person and it’s most important to figure out whether guilt is serving you or destroying you? Here are some prompts that might lead you to explore the role of guilt in your life-
- Does this guilt lead me to repair or just to ruminate?
- Is my guilt proportional to the harm caused?
- Am I trying to control outcomes by feeling guilty?
- Who benefits from me carrying this guilt?
- Would I still feel guilty if no one else knew?
Conclusion
An emotion like guilt has multiple layers and parameters. The next time you feel discomfort over the way you acted, think of what makes you feel that guilt? What type is it? And lastly, is it serving you?
