For better or for worse, psychology is slowly sneaking through the cracks of high-tech labs, elite conference rooms and guarded university lectures, to become a household tool of the general public. One topic from the discipline that has for long captured the interest of many is birth order – and its impact on human behaviour or personality. Whether it be conversations between friends in a cafe, an online subreddit, or an Instagram comments section, shared experiences of comedy and trauma have emerged about what it means to grow up with siblings. In this blog we’ll focus on one such experience – being the middle child – and explore both the science and slice of life behind it.
Not Here, Nor there…Somewhere in the Middle
You know that time right after the end of winter and before the start of summer, when it’s spring but not really so, when the leaves on trees are halfway between bright green and dried red, a little yellow, a little unsure? Many moments in life are like that – moments of feeling adrift, floating somewhere in the space between the start and the finish, not really here and not there either. One could argue that for some middle children, these moments make up an extended period of their life experiences. Middle children in a family are those born between siblings, and who aren’t the oldest or youngest in the line of children.
Anyone living with siblings can attest to the fact that growing up with the same set of parents, under the same roof and in the same environment for most of their lives does not necessarily mean they all live the same lives. In fact, behaviour-genetic research also shows that environmental influences can make children in the same family as different from one another as are children selected randomly from the population. Siblings living together in the same home can have wildly different memories, experiences and beliefs about their growing up years.
Growing up with siblings can be hard for a multitude of reasons. There’s a competition for resources – you have to get used to sharing one packet of cookies, a bed, your clothes, and even your parents’ attention. For a middle child, there are parts of this experience that may be particularly unique. To take from the masses, a user on a subreddit discussing the experiences of middle children claimed that she “didn’t feel as loved growing up because [her older sister] had dad dote on [her] and mom doted on our baby brother.” Another user admitted that they had “classic middle child syndrome” and was “in therapy for it.” A common thread of experience was that the older sibling was always praised for being the model child while the youngest was the apple of everyone’s eye, a “baby who could do no wrong.” And what became of the middle child?
The Middle Child Syndrome
The middle child is arguably excluded, ignored, or even made outright invisible. They may feel they are seen differently by their parents or the rest of their siblings, as a result of which they may develop different personality traits than the rest of their siblings, or even attest to living a completely different life than them. According to Adler’s birth order theory, siblings take on different behaviours and personalities based on their order or birth. The oldest is authoritarian by virtue of age, strives hard to meet the expectations set by parents, and is praised as the model child. The youngest, doted on and “spoiled” for being the newest arrival to the family, is given free reign and sped with a silver spoon. Sandwiched between the two, the middle child is compromising, adaptable, and may have trouble feeling like they belong.
As a result, middle children may display certain unique characteristics in their personal and social life. Middle children can be middlemen in other situations, acting as mediators or peacemakers in conflicts. If parents fail to give them the affection and attention like their other siblings, middle children are likely to be forced to live independently while simultaneously craving the validation and care-taking all children want. They might feel neglected and misunderstood by their own family. To compensate, they may seek more relationships outside the family with friends and romantic partners, and may consequently have large social circles.
Slice of Life or Science?
Much to the dismay of pop psychology enthusiasts, Adler’s birth order theory has been criticised since it was first postulated. While the theory is simplistic enough to appeal to the masses and fuel plotlines for television shows (Lisa Simpson from The Simpsons? Arya Stark from Game of Thrones?), it has several methodological flaws and is rather outdated. It does not take into account or control for the effects of sibling gender, age gap, socioeconomic status, number of siblings in the family, or functionality of the family.
Some individual studies have emerged over the years, linking middle born children to reporting weak family orientation, delinquent behaviour and low self-esteem. However, these are isolated findings that have shown little to no consistency when replicated at the large-scale. In fact, a recent study showed that in a Western database of around 20,000 participants, birth order did not have any lasting effects on personality.
The lack of adequate empirical evidence is enough for practitioners and scholars to establish that the middle child syndrome is not a “disorder”, but more a product of childhood socialisation and dysfunctional or neglectful parenting. It stands, nevertheless, that the challenges of being the middle child are a lived reality for many.
What Parents Can Do
In their book The Birth Order Effect, Cliff Isaacson and Kris Radish write that in order to counteract the ill-effects of the “middle child syndrome”, there are several strategies parents or caregivers can implement at the family level.
See Your Child For Who They Are:
When a child feels unseen and caught between siblings, it may help to try to get to know them for who they are – their skills, likes, dislikes and hobbies. Treating them as more than just the middle child lets them know they are special, birth order be damned.
Difference is Good:
Emphasise that all siblings in a family don’t have to achieve the same level or kind of success. If the oldest excels at academics and the youngest has a penchant for the arts, the middle child’s interest in athletics is a unique strength. No sibling is less than the other.
See Your Child For Who They Are:
When a child feels unseen and caught between siblings, it may help to try to get to know them for who they are – their skills, likes, dislikes and hobbies. Treating them as more than just the middle child lets them know they are special, birth order be damned.
Comparisons are Bad:
If differences in opinion and action are encouraged and appreciated, children build confidence in their abilities. Playful competition between siblings is normal and adaptive, but when parents make comparisons, the blow can be hard to get over.
They Belong, and They Should Know it:
If praise is given openly to the middle child, they may not resort to acting out to get your attention or detaching completely to cope with the lack of it. Knowing how easy it is to feel unheard and neglected, go out of your way to spend quality time with your middle child and include them in dinner table conversations.
