No family is perfect, every family is dysfunctional to some extent but your home should not feel like a battlefield.
What is a Dysfunctional Family?
A dysfunctional family is one where members negatively impact your physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, environmental, intellectual, or social well-being.
A dysfunctional family includes abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction such as substance abuse, mothers being treated violently, witnessing violence, constant arguments, unpredictable (often chaotic) behaviours, extremely rigid or no rules at all, alcoholism, threats to safety, incarceration, untreated mental illness, divorce (having children constantly pick sides), and cultural expectations.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family alters your perception of what is normal or acceptable. You lack strong role models who can teach you the right behaviour, set limits, and help you establish a moral compass.
6 common Roles in a Dysfunctional Family
In a dysfunctional family, each member often takes on a particular role to deal with the chaos. Understanding these roles can help in breaking the cycle of dysfunction:
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1. The Caretaker:
In a dysfunctional family, a Caretaker typically attempts to keep things together. This individual makes excuses for the family's behaviour, becoming an enabler and the ultimate people-pleaser. They labour relentlessly to resolve issues, taking on problems for which they are not responsible. Despite the evident flaws, they refuse to acknowledge the depth of the dysfunction. In their efforts to fix the family, they regularly sacrifice themselves, putting their own needs aside in an attempt to restore peace. -
2. The Spacegoat:
In a dysfunctional family, the Scapegoat is typically blamed for most problems, being labelled as the troublemaker or black sheep. They internalise shame and remorse, desiring for independence and separation from their family. This person is constantly criticised and singled out, yet he or she is generally the first to speak up about the family's dysfunction. Unfortunately, their honest observations are often ignored, leaving them feeling alienated and misunderstood. -
3. The Mascot:
In a dysfunctional family, the Mascot is always cracking jokes to avoid the true issues. They desire acceptance and behave as if nothing matters, yet deep down, they are burdened with guilt, humiliation, and dread. They keep themselves continuously occupied to avoid dealing with the mess at home. This impulse to divert frequently leaves individuals feeling confused and lonely as they avoid dealing with their sorrow. -
4. The Hero:
In a dysfunctional household, the Hero is constantly present, taking on the role of father. This overachiever is constantly aiming for perfection and attempting to make his family appear nice. They are the carer, responsible for the family's image and obligations. Behind the scenes, they are plagued by remorse, humiliation, and pressure that they never discuss. They strive to normalise the turmoil with false hope, projecting a successful facade while battling quietly. -
5. The Lost Child:
In a dysfunctional home, the Lost Child frequently feels like an unseen member. They retreat as a coping tactic, attempting to avoid confrontation and talk about family concerns by spending time alone. They reject their own needs, suppress emotions of guilt and shame, and struggle to make decisions. Their major purpose is to avoid causing difficulties by staying out of the way. -
6. The Central Figure:
The Central Figure is the individual around whom the entire family revolves, usually as a result of drug abuse or other dysfunctional behaviours. Their activities cause other family members to take on certain responsibilities in order to cope with the turmoil. The Central Figure's desires and issues take precedence over everyone else, resulting in substantial instability within the family. Their behaviour and troubles are frequently the result of generational trauma, with addiction, neglect, or abuse handed down via prior generations.
Signs you grew up in a Dysfunctional Family
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One-Sided Relationships
Relationships in dysfunctional families are frequently out of balance. Family members treat you like a doormat, expecting you to endure bad behaviour while becoming enraged when you stand up for yourself. This dynamic can result from narcissistic characteristics in which one person's wants take precedence over everyone else's, leading to feelings of worthlessness and poor self-esteem in others. -
Conflict and Grudges
Dysfunctional households thrive on conflict. Family members deliberately seek out disagreements and harbour grudges, even maintaining a mental record of every perceived wrong. This behaviour can lead to a poisonous atmosphere that lacks trust and emotional safety, encouraging persistent tension and anxiety. -
Vindictiveness and Punishment
Do you feel like you're continuously punished for little acts? Vindictiveness is characteristic of dysfunctional households. They devise methods to penalise you for perceived disrespect, fostering a culture of fear and revenge. This might leave you feeling confined and hesitant to express yourself. -
Constant Criticism and Negativity
Growing up in a hostile and critical environment damages one's sense of self-worth. Positive reinforcement is uncommon in dysfunctional homes, when criticism is employed as a means of exerting control. This may result in a crippling sense of inadequacy and a recurring fear of failing. -
Verbal and Emotional Abuse
It's typical to experience verbal and emotional abuse, which includes insults and derogatory comments. These actions may cause complicated trauma, sadness, anxiety, and other long-term psychological harm. An inability to communicate effectively leads to feelings of powerlessness and loneliness. -
Conditional Love and Ultimatums
In dysfunctional families, acceptance and love are frequently conditional, requiring adherence to particular rules or behaviours. Relationships being transactional can cause insecurities and the idea that one has to earn affection, which can affect one's self-perception and future relationships. -
Selfishness and Lack of Empathy
Family members in dysfunctional environments are often extremely selfish and lack empathy, focusing solely on their own needs. -
Financial Control and Manipulation
In dysfunctional families, money is often used as a weapon for control, which results in a power dynamic that traps you. -
Invasion of Privacy
In dysfunctional families, there is frequently a disregard for privacy due to ongoing intrusions into personal affairs and unapproved information exchange. You are taught that having boundaries is selfish and you are just pushing people away. It can be difficult to build personal space and trust in relationships when there are no limits since it might lead to a loss of identity and autonomy. -
Manipulative Behaviors and Gaslighting
Families that are dysfunctional frequently engage in gaslighting, guilt-tripping, love bombing, and dishonesty. These deceptive actions have the power to warp your reality and cause you to question your senses and emotions. This may result in a shattered sense of who you are and make it harder to believe what you see and judge.
Recognizing the signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family is the first step toward understanding and healing. Growing up in such an environment can have long-lasting effects, but it’s important to remember that it’s never too late to seek help and support. By addressing these issues, you can break the cycle and create healthier, more positive relationships in your life. Reach out to a therapist or support group to begin your journey toward healing and personal growth.
How to Deal with a Dysfunctional Family?
Before we get into how to deal with a dysfunctional family, you must remember that you are NOT dysfunctional, you learned behaviours amid dysfunction that are not serving you anymore. You are in the process of unlearning them.
It may be freeing to leave a dysfunctional family, and removing oneself from the chaos is the best course of action. You've already taken action to set yourself apart, and you may keep creating a calm existence devoid of regular confrontations. But what if you’re still stuck living with them? Finding coping mechanisms is essential whether you're an adult or an adolescent caught in a difficult financial situation. Here are some strategies to help you survive:
Finding a mental retreat is critical while living with a dysfunctional family. Playing music, sketching, painting, or any other kind of art can provide a sense of refuge. Designating a room or a specific place as a safe haven, with the door locked and the chaos blocked out, can give a substantial mental respite. Earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones can assist in creating a quiet setting, allowing you to concentrate on these tasks without distractions.
Books, television programs, movies, and video games can let you escape into fantasy worlds. Immersing oneself in fictitious universes might provide a mental respite from reality, making it easier to deal with the surroundings. Finding a fictitious universe to immerse yourself in might help relieve stress by providing a momentary getaway from the chaos around you.
Another great way to express yourself is creative writing. Turning events into fictional stories might help people manage their emotions and feel better. Writing gives you influence over the story by drawing inspiration from real-life situations to create fictitious settings and characters, which can be both therapeutic and inspiring.
Developing thicker skin might help buffer emotions from the harm caused by family members. It's important to realise that you're not to blame for your parents' or family members' problems. Blaming oneself for their problems exacerbates the situation. Understanding that their behaviour reflects their difficulties rather than your value will help you deal with the situation.
Judging family members as persons rather than parents, for example, provides for a more objective assessment of their behaviour. This adjustment might help them see that their poor judgements are their own, not a reflection of your worth.
Conclusion
Most people wish to escape their dysfunctional homes. If you succeed, do not look back. Concentrate on starting over and creating a fresh life devoid of the dysfunction that previously surrounded you. Creating a secure, cheerful atmosphere is critical to long-term well-being. Learn how to emotionally detach. Consider attending therapy or support groups. Professional aid can provide tools and techniques for dealing with the circumstances. Connecting with individuals who share your experiences may provide a sense of belonging and validation. I know family is not an easy subject to talk about, but Healo, the World’s most advanced AI Therapist is here to help! Find some guidance here- Infiheal
