Maybe you abandoned your inner world because of your excess concentration on the outer stuff – with its material objects, people, circumstances and primary needs. Suddenly, all that was inside began to affect the outside and the balance was lost.
“I will be happy when…”
We often tend to make such statements thinking that we might feel happier if someone, say, our admirer approves of us, if our relationship improves, or if our partner starts to do things the way that makes us happy. This sentiment is very common: It’s the idea that our happiness depends on something outside us.
What is emotional dependency?
Emotional dependency is a personality disorder in which people with low self-worth constantly seek security in other people, or in external factors, without trusting in their own interior criteria and resources. Such people have a great fear of being rejected, ignored, not liked, or criticized. They live in an unhealthy way and view themselves as negative, with low self-esteem. Emotionally dependent people often tend to be negative towards themselves and strive for validation at all times. They feel like they can’t live without their partner and would be worthless if they left.
One cannot, however, be truly happy unless he realizes the importance of his self-worth and becomes emotionally independent. Emotional Independence gives one the ability to regulate their emotions and feel good about themselves even when presented with difficult situations. It helps one to regulate their emotions without seeking constant approval, attention, and validation from another person.
In a nutshell, emotional independence is about having freedom and options as well as healthy regard for the self. However, despite knowing the importance of this emotion, it is difficult to inculcate as it requires courage, self-exploration, personal responsibility, and mental resilience to cultivate a mindset and love for the self.
Why do humans tend to depend on others emotionally?
The phase of emotional dependency in an individual begins when as a child they are not loved appropriately by the people who mean the most to them, such as parents, siblings, or other close people. This lack of love generates low self-esteem, a problem that tends to grow during adolescence. As an adult, the emotionally dependent individual recreates situations where he plays a submissive role, always trying to please others in order to maintain the relationship bond at all costs, thus avoiding the terrifying prospect of rejection.
This lack of self-esteem from childhood is the main cause of emotional dependency. It is the result of emotional blackmail that teaches the child that they would be loved only after meeting the expectations of their parents or other meaningful people. Any effort to affirm themselves or show individuality will be reproved or punished.
On the other hand, at times overprotective behaviours on the part of some primary caregivers also constitute a form of attachment that does not offer children the capacity to develop their autonomy, a lack that interferes with the construction of their own identity. Once these particular attachment patterns have been generated, they are maintained over time and generalised to other types of relationships. In this way, emotional dependence on parents that have not been well dealt with can become the trigger for a dysfunctional couple relationship, thereby causing problems in all future relations like those of their first love relation.
People tend to act immature and cling to the earliest phase of a relationship whereby they want their partner to satisfy all their wishes even at the cost of other losses. This makes them emotionally weak and dependent.
Another common cause for this dependency is trauma, where someone was heavily controlled and/or hurt by another person. As a result of such past relationship experiences, one becomes a person low on self-esteem with many insecurities and little self-confidence.
It thus becomes necessary to discern the right cause of such dependency in an individual so that it can be healed with the right remedy.
How to be Emotionally Independent?
Emotional Independence helps to maintain a balance between the external desires and internal feelings of an individual. Trust and respect for the partner are signs of a healthy relationship, however, it is also essential to be independent emotionally and prioritize oneself to become a balanced individual. Here are a few psychological methods to be emotionally independent.
- Learn how to self-validate rather than depending on others’ validation always
It is easy to speak and think good about yourself when life goes fair and we are happy. However, an emotionally independent person is one who does not lose his calm even in the downside situations. He can trust himself and believe that he would manage to overcome them even when no one supports him. Thus, it is essential to practice self-love and have self-esteem in order to maintain one’s stance and validate one’s own actions.
“There is no love fully capable of filling the void in a person who does not love himself.”
- Learn to self-love
Reflect on the thoughts and feelings that disappointed you and journalize them. Try to reframe these ideas in your own mind placing yourself as the topmost priority. Rather than craving for validation from others all the time, learn to respect and be contended with your own choices.
- Letting go of past mishaps.
Forgive and forget is the principle of life. Whether at 7 or 70, people always have some past relationships that have a huge impact on their brains and hence, govern the behavioural characteristics of that person. This is a sign of emotional dependency. Forgo the old events that wear you down, reframe those ideas and give up on the grudges. These help one become a resilient, independent and untainted version of themselves.
- Looking for things that make you feel good
In the busy schedule of life, it is important to spare some time for yourself as well without any distractions from the phone, television, etc. Utilize this time to self-reflect and identify the way thoughts and feelings come to us. This would be helpful in identifying the feelings and actions that make us happy as well as identifying our strengths and weaknesses. Thus, having full control over their feelings, an individual becomes emotionally independent.
- Take your decisions for yourself
Decide what you want from your life. Don’t let others make choices for your life merely because they are more social, decisive ad in control of the situation. Even if you make mistakes, learn from them and try to be better the next time.
Don’t let others mould your opinion and practice what you want to even if not everyone agrees with it. After all, one’s life should be governed by one’s own choices.
- Stop taking everything to heart
In a fact, living with a general sense of dissatisfaction creates a vicious circle of frustration, emotional pain, and constant complaining. Fortunately, there is one solution for this self-defeating mentality – gratitude. It is essential to cultivate this attribute and be compassionate towards the failures we experience due to our own choices.
Also, it is important to keep control over one’s emotions and avoid the tendency to cling to a dear person, as this creates a sense of dependency. People who expect the least from others are the happiest. Therefore, let go of people, events and relationships that hurt you and learn to move on.
- Try to own your choices, rather than blaming others for bad choices.
A problem can be solved by one who did it wrong. Thus, it is important that we own our mistakes, be mindful and try to make them right by thinking in a logical manner. Attributing our shortcomings to someone else is a mere excuse to avoid confrontation with our own mistakes. Therefore, be more responsible and work on self-improvement skills.
What do Chakras say about Emotional Independence?
Chakras are the energy centres of the body that can be opened by simply focusing through meditation on the areas where they reside. Each chakra/energy centre governs a different area of our body and mind. Following are the three major Chakras that deal with the emotional independence of an individual-
1. Sacral Chakra
The sacral chakra is the 2nd Chakra, located 2 inches below the belly button, and the lesson it teaches us is to honour others. People who depend too much on drugs, alcohol or co-dependent relationships, may have trouble fully giving into and feeling their emotions. They reach out to these self-made outside stimulators to try to cure their emotional or sexual impotence, but when those stimulators are gone, they withdraw from relationships with others, thus making them emotionally unstable. A lower back massage is helpful to open this chakra up.
2. Solar-Plexus Chakra
Also referred to as the Manipura Chakra, this 3rd Chakra deals with the issues of self-esteem. People with unbalanced solar plexus chakras suffer from a lack of self-esteem. They worry too much about what others think of them, to such a point of interference in everyday life. This makes them emotionally weak and underconfident, thereby giving them over-active inner critics and constant worries about the future. It even leads to anger issues. When the sacral chakra is in balance, a person gains a sense of self-confidence that cannot be shaken by the opinions of others or the uncertainty of the future. Getting a stomach massage helps heal this chakra
3. Heart Chakra
This 4th Chakra is related to emotional independence as it deals with the deep fears of loneliness that make people clingy as they tend to love to the point of suffocation. They have deep fears of abandonment, not directly attached to losing actual people, but related to the fear of being left alone with themselves. This fear might be the result of guilt for the lack of an experience they wished to nd were ought to have. For example- the kid who was overburdened with responsibilities in childhood and couldn’t fully enjoy that phase. Such people tend to have curved shoulders and suffer from upper back pains from carrying themselves as though they have tits the size of grand pianos.
When the heart chakra is open and balanced, a person experiences joy, gratitude, love and compassion for themselves. They will no longer feel bitterness, and forgiveness will come more easily to them as they begin to feel self-worth and develop feelings of self-love. A chest massage is the best treatment to open up this chakra.
Emotional independence is thus about being autonomous and governing your own emotions. You will love the change of you living for yourself rather than for anyone else. Dress how you want, and believe in what you believe in. If there are still areas that need to be explored, make more time to understand yourself as self-love is the best remedy to all cures.
