Dating someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder can be tough at times, but it doesn’t mean that your relationship with them is doomed. Individuals who suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD) often struggle with managing their strong emotions as well as handling stress.
They may become agitated and snap at the people in their lives as a result. Because of this, they frequently have unstable relationships that are just as difficult for the other partners as BPD is for the one who has it. You may not be surprised by this if you interact with someone who has BPD, but you might not know how to address it.Hence, this blog aims to provide you with a little bit of psychoeducation about BPD and tips on how to date someone who has it.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a personality disorder in which a person has a hard time regulating their emotions. This disorder usually changes the way in which one views themselves and their relationships with others. This can manifest in impulsive actions, self image issues and chaotic relationships. However, it is important to understand that BPD isn’t a choice or a way of life. It is an inherent disorder that can surely be managed if the proper tips are practiced.
Symptoms of BPD
Typically, the symptoms of borderline personality disorder appear in late adolescence or early adulthood. Although the exact causation of borderline personality disorder in teenagers and young adults is unknown, it is thought to be caused by a variety of circumstances. What is certain is that it affects people of both genders equally, and that genetics, family history, and some societal risk factors may influence an individual's propensity to acquire this mental health issue.
Many of the core symptoms of BPD are things that are also experienced by most people. The only difference is that the frequency and intensity of these symptoms can vary from less interfering to more interfering. Therefore, some of the commonly experienced symptoms of BPD are-
- - Inclination to categorize people into the best and worst (black and white)
- - Uncertain relationship pattern
- - Propensity for "intense" behavior that involves identity, habits, and interests changes
- - Impulsivity that might be harmful to oneself, such as drug abuse, excessive spending, or careless driving
- - Persistently empty sensations, unstable emotions, mood swings and difficulty regulating rage
- - Signs of dissociation or paranoid thoughts
If you think you might show some of these symptoms, consider taking a test here to find out if you might have BPD.
How does BPD affect romantic relationships?
It appears as if some of the more prevalent BPD symptoms, such as problems with intimacy and trust, mood swings, and concerns with self-worth, might be detrimental to a romantic relationship. However, the good news is that you can mitigate some of these effects by knowing what to expect and heading off instances where you see certain thought processes or behaviors your partner is engaging in
Some of the key symptoms that might have an impact on romantic relationships are-
1) Fear of abandonment
Fear of abandonment is a presenting problem in someone who has BPD and might manifest as unfounded jealousy, clingy behavior and beliefs about the partner leaving or betraying them.
2) Instability
Individuals who have BPD can fear getting too close to someone they love because they are of the opinion that their partner might leave them. In order to counterbalance this irrational belief, they withdraw physically and emotionally from the relationship.
3) Deception
Naturally, lying damages relationships because it undermines trust. Lies and dishonesty are typical when a partner suffers from BPD. This might be the result of their distinct perspective on reality compared to others around them. If they don't think they're lying at all, that's not rare either, which can cause relationships to become unstable.
4) Demands to be left alone are followed by requests for attention
Dramatic changes in mood are one of the main indicators that the person you're dating has BPD. They seem to want your undivided attention at one moment and demand your whole focus the next. It might be challenging to know how to respond, and it may seem impossible, but learning to cope with these mood swings will be crucial for you. (Dating Someone With BPD: What to Expect — Talkspace, 2023)
Tips for dating a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD)
While it can definitely be overwhelming to engage in a romantic relationship with BPD, it is surely possible. A mental disorder is something that an individual is diagnosed with. Having a diagnosis, doesn’t mean it’s their entire personality. BPD is a part of their identity which can be managed by them and their partner. So, here are some tips for you to remember while you are in a romantic relationship with someone who has BPD-
1) Be reassuring
It is crucial that compassion play a significant role in your relationship with someone you care about who has BPD. It might be helpful to realize that their behaviors and thoughts frequently emerge from a place of hurt. Try to keep this in mind even if they're acting in ways that are difficult for you to comprehend or if their rash actions don't seem justified. An overwhelming fear of being abandoned is one of the obvious symptoms that someone you're dating has BPD. Reassuring them that you value their company, care about them, and want to spend time with them is the best thing you can do to help them overcome their fear. Yes, doing this might be somewhat draining at times, but it will much help to maintain and safeguard your connection.
2) Set and Stick with boundaries
Individuals with BPD try to get others to do things that they should be doing for themselves, and they frequently succeed because their partners want them to stop arguing, so they give in. If you find yourself in a situation where your boundaries are repeatedly being violated, try telling your partner that “ I will not participate in things that are unhealthy”. Sometimes, people with BPD want their partners to feel the same intensity of emotions that they are feeling in order to feel a stronger connection. This leads to conflicts that could have been managed through an intimate conversation. Hence if you ever find your partner provoking you in order to get you angry, attempt to say “ You’re angry. I understand. I don’t need to be angry to understand that you’re angry. We can talk about your anger, but you can’t yell at me or be abusive”
3) Replace unhealthy connection with healthy connection
It is not necessary to spend hours on every little thing that makes either of you upset. Sometimes, a little time and space gives them perspective which is enough to analyze the consequences of their actions. The saved time could then be used to spend quality time together by taking a walk or watching your favorite movie with them. Moreover, fights do take up a lot of emotional energy. Once that emotional energy is saved, it could be utilized to address the issues that has brought up intense emotions within them in a gentler way.
4) Where you stand may “shift”
There may be moments when you go from being the hero to the villain in the eyes of someone you are dating who has BPD.
This is known as "splitting," a condition in which you are seen as completely favorable or entirely negative. Sometimes it's a response to mental anguish. They might have to temporarily paint you as the "bad guy" in order to control it. Your significant other could even go over and above by requesting a break. This does not imply that they are uninterested in you. It feels simpler to dissolve the relationship before you do since they could be struggling to express their feelings or they might be afraid of you leaving them Allowing them to have some room to calm down might be beneficial. You could even request for a conversation later when they have cooled down and finally have clarity as to where do you guys stand (Lebow, 2021)
5) Reactions may need an explanation
People with BPD may have a tendency to hyper read situations. The problem with this, though, is that they could pick up on something from your tone of voice or facial expressions that you're not necessarily aware of or connected to. Be mindful that your partner may frequently ask you to repeat yourself in order to make sure you understand each other's messages, tone of voice, and facial expressions. It's also possible that you will be misunderstood, therefore it's best to keep your cool when your partner misinterprets you. It's important to provide comfort and clarification while dating someone who has a borderline personality. (Rope, 2024)
Take care of yourself first
When you spend so much time thinking about your partner’s emotions, it can be easy to forget about your own emotional and physical needs. One reason why you need to be emotional and physically healthy is to be able to cater to your partner when they need you. Some of the ways in which you can take care of yourself is by setting emotional and physical boundaries, reaching out to support groups that cater to BPD, taking therapy for yourself and engaging in activities and relationships other than your relationship with your partner. Make your health a priority by trying various self-care techniques, such as mindfulness training, physical activity, healthy diet, and adequate sleep. (Mph, 2023)
Sometimes, trying to motivate yourself to find the energy to cope with a person having BPD can drain you out. At times like these, consider talking to our AI Therapist, Healo.
Healo lends you an ear, provides you a safe space to talk about how you really feel and can help you in dealing with challenging relationship situations like these by providing realistic but effective strategies.
Conclusion
Please know that it is only worth taking the effort to manage a person with BPD only if you care about them and think that the relationship is worth the effort.It is not your job to be able to handle your partner’s emotions at all times. You can merely do your end of the job and support them to lead a healthy relationship with you. If at any time in the relationship, you feel crappy about yourself, or feel that your physical and emotional boundaries are consistently being violated without them attempting to make changes, maybe it’s time to reconsider why you are in that relationship.
